Saturday, December 31, 2005

Bear Hugs-join yahoo forum



live_live_through_hope_of_others


All I want sometimes is a hug. I know the feeling of being lost and not having anyone there to hug you.Sometimes there isnt anone who understnads you or knows what you are going through. Other times you want to rant but there is no one to listen. You want to know your not alone. You want to know that there is someone else who understands what you are going through and to know that you can turn to them for support. Well I am here. I know how depression feels. I know what self harm is like and I know that life can be tough and you dont feel like going on with it everyday. I want to help. I care, even when you dont think anyone cares.

If you feel like you need somewhere to rant please join the yahoo forum. Also please come and join if you want to help others get through there tough times.


Big hugs to you all. Take Care. God Bless
Ales x

 Posted by Picasa

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

BRAIN


Your head hurts and the room is spining
You see starts and lights flashing
You lose your sight
You feel so numb

My heart is racing
Beat Beat Beat
Drumming in the ears
Tighter Tighter Tighter

You feel sick
You stop so hard
Where are you?
Who are you?

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Stresses of Christmas!


One of those days you want to forget!
Do you feel STRESSED?
Do you feel LOST?
Do you feel DEPRESSED?
Do you feel ALONE?
These are all things that I feel over Christmas. I worked so hard on Christamas day and took so much off people that I ended up crying when a girl I work with gave me a hug...while I was ment to be handing out desserts. Stressed= Desserts spelled backwards how odd.

THIS IS HOW I FEEL I NEED TO GET DESRESSED!!!

I hate working. I work in a pub. Serving food and drink to people who dont care that you want to get home to eat your dinner, or have a drink with your family. They dont seem to understand you give up any chance of getting Christmas dinner at a sensible time. That you dont want to see another turkey as long as you live and you can be bothered keeping small talk when all you want to do is tell them to leave and let you get home for your dinner cause you havent sat done in seven hours or eaten anything since 9am that morning and it is now 7pm.

Man hard life eh? If it wasnt for the money to keep me going i soooo wouldnt be working there. Hopefully New year will be slightly less stressful. Can only hope!

Saturday, December 24, 2005


Nollaig chridheil
(SCOTTISH GAELIC)

MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone. I hope that you all keep safe over Christmas and that you have a good New Year in what ever you do. Unluckly for me I am working Christmas Day and Boxing day so may eventually get christmas dinner at the end of December sometime. I wont be posting probally till the New Year unless I have some major event unfold.

TAKE CARE EVERYONE AND BIG HUGS((((((((TO YOU))))))))

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Health: Stopping Self harm

http://www.self-harm-resource.co.uk/stopping.htm

Stopping Self harm

I always ask myself WHY? I never understand why i do hurt myself. I cut my wirsts with knives, pins, scissors, razors, I drink to much every night. I take too many pills, I drive too fast. These are all things that im addicted to that cause me harm. I do all of them to help me deal with things that happened in my past. Its something I do to take my feelings of the past out on myself. As I allowed things to go to far. I lost someone and I was hurt by lots. I want to stop now and I am taking steps to do that but it is hard and every day is a struggle. I have finally gone to docs about it too. I hope that for the new year I can stop cutting and drinking.

Although my decision seem easy to stop I know that it isnt going to be easy. I know that it will take time and that I will have to let people help me. I want to stop self harming cause I know that eventualy the drink will harm my liver and I could need transplants and even die later on. I also want to stop cutting because I have had enough damage done to my body and I have scars that I will remember forever what I have done, why I did it and the people who hurt me.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Sleepy!

This picuter cracks me up. I love it! I love to think that a peguin would have the guts to stand on the back of a Polar Bear and crash some cymbals in thier ears and wake them up from a sleep so deep that they would get so angry and eat them.( hehe mental image)

It makes me wish that I could sleep so silently at night. Not be woken up and be totaly awake. But that doesnt happen. I am awake for what seems like the whole night. I go to bed at about 3am every night and I will sleep for an hour and then Im up again till 6am and sleep til 8am then up at 12pm. It is a weird sleep pattern I know.
My sleep was bad but it has got worse since I have started on Prozac. It really does your head in. I wish I could be that Polar bear, and sleep for ever. NOT SUICIDAL. Just wish I could sleep till i wasnt tired and then get up and be fine. Not have a care or a worry to my name.

My past has been hard. There are alot of things that make me...me, and sometimes I dont think I know who I am and who my friends think I am. WHO AM I? Posted by Picasa

Monday, December 19, 2005

Dazed and Confused!





Dazed and Confused
Life seems so far away
My pain is inside
You cant see it
Im on my own
Noone near
Your all so good
You never know
That im not you

I lost myself when I lost you
Losing myself to things untrue
You came to find me but I did not reach out
Im sorry I caused you pain

He hurt me badly
I cried all day
My emotional rollercoaster is here

What do I do?
I hurt you
I hurt me
It is all I know

My fists clasp tight
My pain is deep
How to show you
Is to hurt me
Which hurts you

You smile everyday
You laugh at jokes
You go out and meet new people
You see the world
You see the light

Im in the dark
I cant find the switch
I need the pill
It makes me smile
While Im here

Why should it be that I cant smile?
I know that you care
I cant believe it
Im sorry
I caused you pain
I hope you can forgive me
For I cant forgive myself

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Sunday, December 18, 2005

Being a Christian.


"I was told I wasn't fit to be a christian...cause of suffering with depression and self harm... They said I would hurt them cause I cant smile 24/7...I hurt them cause I hurt myself... and maybe i am unfit to be a christian."

This happened almost three weeks ago. I was very angry and very shocked that someone would say something so hurtful, when I myself was not feeling to great. I put a post up on a group im involved in and everyone who read it gave me a positive reply. They said that noone is fit to be a christian and that it is through Jesus, whom died on the cross for our sins that we are able to be righteous in Gods eyes.

The past few weeks I have been even through beening put back on drugs that God is with me in every step that I take. I know some of you reading this may not be Christian but I pray that God can take care of everyone.

I became a Christian a year and a half ago, when my best freind Rach and I went to work in France for two weeks during a school holiday to do kids club on a Christian Campsite. I had no clue about the bible, the stories, all i knew was Jesus was born in a stable, some guys came with presents and then he died on a cross, an rose again. That was about the most I knew. The kids that we were working with did prayer arobics in the morning. This was big energetic action songs all about God and World and Jesus. The kids eyes were all lit up. They were loving it they were happy. I couldnt understand what it was that they all enjoyed so much. That night my friend explained a little bit more about Jesus dying for sins and that we are forgiven for everything we have done in our past if we just say that we want God to forgive us and say we believe that he is the only God.

It was an amazing night. Everyone told me there story about being saved. Every one of them had dealt and still deal with depression in their lives. Whether it was themselves, friends, brothers, sons, sisters, parents...they had all been where I was. They all looked to God for Strength and the love that they needed to be strong through the hard times and thankful through the good and even thankful for the bad.

After the first week, one little boy asked me if I believed in Jesus and I was shocked I didnt know what to do or say...as far as the kids were aware I was a Christian and that I did believe in Jesus, but there was something special about this kid, He was 4 years old and he always knew the right thing to say to me about God and Jesus and Angels. I told him I did beleive that God was real and that he was with us where ever we go no matter how bad things get. He said that he believed that too. My friend turned to me and smiled. She said your changing... I didnt know what she ment.

On the final Sunday we all went to the Marquee church...there was a brilliant band playing and we had to do the kids prayer aerobics with them as part of the family service. I was also asked to do communion. I did it. When the pastor did the prayer and blessing, I felt like i was being lifted up and then shivers went right down my spine and through my arms. It was a feeling I will never forget.


At the end of the service I commited my life to Jesus.

Since then I have been through so many ups and downs. I was involved in a church when I was at university. I was living with Christians and I went to a cell group every week. It was amazing and I thank God for the oppertunity to do all that in a year. I had a hard time at university but pulled through. I believe that no matter what is happening in your live God is with you. He wants you to be saved, you just have to look at him and ask.


I know realise that even though I found it hard to be told I was unfit to be Christian, It was them in the wrong. I am a Christian and God saved me. I am Thankful to him. Amen.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Work


GRRRRRRRRRR I hate working on the bar. I wish everyone would drink up quickly and not hang around, being drunk and silly and not being able to string two sentences together(and thats if your lucky). Drinking is something that I do properly too regularly. I have cut it down as through the summer I was drinking everynight and by the end every day...morining...noon...and night....not so good for my poor wee liver. It is something I use when I am depressed. I will sit on my own with a bottle of wine a night. I will drink my problems away, but guess what...they are still there in the morning also followed with a major hangover...sore head...sickness and so sleepy...

Here is some facts about depression and Alcohol...

In the UK it is part of our culture and we feel comfortable with it. Moderate drinking doesn't cause many problems. However, society has become wealthier and alcohol has become cheaper. We are starting to drink at a younger age and we are drinking more. More than 1 in 4 men, and about 1 in 7 women are drinking more than is medically safe for them. According to the Department of Health, around 1 in 8 men is physically addicted to alcohol.

How does alcohol affect the brain?

ToleranceAlcohol is like many other drugs that act on the brain, such as tranquillisers. If we drink it regularly, we find that it has less effect on us. We need to drink more and more to get the effect we want. This is called 'tolerance' and is a powerful part of becoming addicted to alcohol.
Alcohol can also lead to:
Dementia - memory loss, rather like Alzheimer’s dementia.
Psychosis - long- term drinkers can start to hear voices.
Dependence - if you stop drinking, you get withdrawal symptoms such as shaking, nervousness and (sometimes) seeing things that aren't there.
Suicide - 40% of men who try to kill themselves have had a long- standing alcohol problem. - 70% of those who succeed in killing themselves have drunk alcohol before doing so.

What is the connection between depression and alcohol?

We know that there is a connection - self-harm and suicide are much more common in people with alcohol problems. It seems that it can work in two ways.
If we drink too much, too regularly, we are more likely to become depressed.
Regular drinking can leave us tired and depressed. There is evidence that alcohol changes the chemistry of the brain itself and that this increases the risk of depression.
Hangovers create a cycle of waking up feeling ill, anxious, jittery and guilty.
Regular drinking can make life depressing - family arguments, poor work, unreliable memory and sexual problems.
If we drink alcohol to relieve anxiety or depression, we will become more depressed
Alcohol helps us to forget our problems for a while. It can help us to relax and overcome any shyness. It can make talking easier and more fun, whether in the pub, a club or at a party. It is a very effective way of feeling better for a few hours.
If you are depressed and lacking in energy, it can be tempting to use alcohol to help you keep going and cope with life. The problem is that it is easy to slip into drinking regularly, using it like a medication.The benefits soon wear off, the drinking becomes part of a routine, and you have to keep drinking more to get the same effect.

Friday, December 16, 2005

SMILE


Do you feel like this when you’ve taken yours?

‘Smile a while, because if you smile, someone else will smile and there will be miles and miles of smiles just because you smiled.’

Even if you have to take a drug to help you smile.

Many days even when I have taken my meds I still don’t feel like smiling. Today I am fine…for how long? I don’t know. I wake up at 1pm…angry that I have wasted the morning…anyone who wants to do my Christmas shopping for me can…I don’t think I am ever going to see the shops at this rate…I have to go to work as well and do you think I can be bothered to move out of my bed? NOPE!!!

One hour I am up and the next hour I am down…who likes roller coasters? Right now I don’t.

Sometimes I want to cry. But Why? There is no point it doesn’t do anything for me. I just feel the same afterwards. Crying is good for you…but if you hold it in like I have done for so many years then it begins to get difficult…I will cry if someone writes to me about how much they love me and how much God is there for me…But can I see it? NO…I just want to hide when I feel down…

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Back on Prozac

So today…I was put back on Prozac for my depression…
this is how I describe my time waiting to see the doctor…
i hate waiting in the waiting room...so many people who are ill...my heartis racing...my hands are trembling...my feet wont stopjittering...I feel sick...man next to me is getting pissed off...Isigh deep sighs...DONT have a panic attack...NOT in front ofeveryone...that would be STUPID...at least I’m in the right place ifI do have one...Half an hour and still not seen...going crazy myheart is about to explode...then my name is called….thank God

Who are you?

When the world seems to be dashing
I stand still
The clouds blow pass at a hundred miles and hour
I stand and stare
The people are running
I come to a complete stop
Laughing and smiling
All filled with energy
My eyes are heavy
Ears sensitive to those who cheer
How can they do it?

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Flying High

Soring High above the world
A view is seen of things so small
Flying away from your dreams
Ask for help don't run away

You go high, then you go low
The tunnel is dark and there is no where to go
The pit is deep
But the world is huge

So many things to see
Places to go
Open the window and take it in
Feel the air and wind in yoour face
Smell the world
Don't hide away

Your hurting inside
You cant see the truth
Your not a bad person
Don't hurt yourself
Don't be scared
Learn to love

And to be loved

Your special to friends
Your loved by family
Everyone cares
They don't knowhow to show you

That you are special
So look out of the dark
And into the light
Open the window Posted by Picasa

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Signs of depression

  • Every person who suffers from depression has different symptoms. Here are a few common symptoms. If you have had more than three of these sympotms, seek medical advice. If you are thinking of suicide or having thoughts of death, I urge you to seek medical advice as soon as possible.

  1. Persistent sad, anxious or "empty" mood
  2. Sleeping too much or too little; middle-of-night or early-morning waking
  3. Reduced appetite and weight loss, or increased appetite and weight gain
  4. Loss of pleasure and interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex
  5. Irritability, restlessness
  6. Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment (such as chronic pain or digestive disorders)
  7. Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions
  8. Fatigue or loss of energy
  9. Feeling guilty, hopeless or worthless
  10. Thoughts of death or suicide

Art to describe feelings

 Posted by Picasa

There is Hope

I know that some times it feels like your going mad and that nobody understands,
but there are people who do. I always thought that nobody cared and I still do when
I feel depressed. I feel alone, confused, distraught, hurt, anger and guilt. I hope
that you can find hope.  Posted by Picasa

Some Coping Tips For Self Harm

Here is a few things for you to do if you feel the urge to self harm...


Use washable red markers to "cut" on your skin
Listen to music
Count yourself down (10...9...8...7..! .)
Keep a journal
Touch Something familiar/safe
Draw-Put your feet firmly on the floor
Make something (craft, needlework, etc.)
Accept a gift from a friend
Meditate
Make a phone list of people you can call for support. Allow yourself to use it

Inroduction

Hey, My name is Ales and I am 21 and suffer from depression and self harm. I have had depression since I was 15 and have self harmed in a variety of forms since then.